This one’s aimed at the straight ‘nice guys’ who think that only the bad boys get the girl.
“Hey Rami, I’m a nice guy, but I can’t get any women to like me. They always seem to go for the assholes and douchebags. Do I have to be an asshole to get someone to date me and be in a relationship?”
This is one of the most common questions I get from geeks.
Let’s break it down.
WHY NICE SUCKS
First off, women don’t choose men based on how nice they are. They choose men based on attraction. And guess what? Being nice doesn’t make you attractive.
Being nice doesn’t make a woman want you.
The word “nice” is something most people use to describe someone adequate, but not amazing. Furniture is nice. A cat picture is nice. Cheese is nice. A nice guy is nice. But a guy that wrote a sci-fi novel in the evening while working his day job?
That guy is INTERESTING. That guy is ATTRACTIVE.
So, question number 1: do you want to be the nice guy? Or do you want to be the interesting slash attractive guy?
And question number 2: which one of those guys do you think is going to get the girl?
THE PROBLEM WITH NICE GUYS
The problem with being a nice guy is you have nothing special to offer. If your main characteristic is being nice, then I can find you couple of million guys out there who are nice as well, but also have some kind of cool special skill.
When I ask most nice guys “what do you have to offer a woman?” the answer is often the same. “I’ll love her and care for her, I’ll take care of her needs, I’ll make her happy.” OK sure, but so will every other guy out there. Let’s dig deeper.
What’s cool about you? What makes you special? What makes you unique and makes women want to date you? Do you have cool hobbies? Are you funny and sarcastic? Do you have a great sense of humour? Are you passionate about kung-fu? Will you make her delicious food on the regular?
What’s your edge, my fellow geek?
Think about it.
THE BIG MISTAKE NICE GUYS MAKE
This brings me to the next error nice guys make: they try to buy a woman’s affection.
How many times have you taken a woman out to dinner, bought her flowers, helped her move, and then had her reject you? Or even worse, she goes out with some asshole that treats her like shit?
How many times have you thought “I’m going to make friends with this attractive woman, and then eventually she’ll realize that I’m the one and we’ll fall in love”? But then what ended up happening instead is you became the guy she called when other dudes would break her heart? Well guess what? It’s totally normal when this happens…
When you bend over backwards trying to do favors for a woman, the message you’re sending her is one of two things:
- I can’t get you, so I’m going to try to buy you with favors and stuff.
- I want to be your friend, and nothing more.
In the first case, women see right through that charade, and it NEVER works out. Instead of coming off as confident, you come off as insecure. And insecurity is NEVER attractive.
In the second case, you get exactly what you portray it as: friendship.
WHY YOU THINK WOMEN LIKE ASSHOLES
When you see women you’re into date other guys, your first thought is going to be “man that guy is an ASSHOLE.”
The truth is, he might be. But that’s not why she’s into him. Assholes tend to be confident, secure, usually accompanied by a decent job. They dress well, and act cocky, and pretend like they don’t give a damn. They’re usually aloof and less responsive too. All these things can be attractive to a woman.
Here, I’ll make a list:
- say what’s on their mind
- good job
- dress well
- act cocky
- don’t care about what others think
- aloof/less responsive
An interesting pattern emerges when you look at that list.
These are all characteristics of attractive men. Think about James Bond, Barney Stinson, or Hank Moody. Think about George Clooney, Ryan Gosling, Russell Brand.
Some of the men on that list are assholes. But many of them are not. They just have lots of the same characteristics that assholes have. Just because you’re confident, well-dressed, and don’t care about what others think of you, doesn’t make you a bad person, know what I mean? It just means you’re secure in who you are. And women LOVE that.
When I compare this with most geeks I coach, they’re lacking in many departments. But the best part is, these are all things you can learn or achieve.
And you don’t even have to be an asshole to be these things.
SO HOW DO I GET THE GIRL AND STILL BE NICE?
Here are four easy steps to get you started.
First off, stop doing things for women you’re not dating. Straight up stop. From now on, you do favors and flowers for only two types of women: someone you are actively dating and having sex with, or someone who is a close friend that you don’t want to date.
Second, think about your passions. Surfing, gaming, rollerblading, dog training, making YouTube videos, whatever it is This passion here? This is what makes you special. You’re not JUST a nice guy, you’re a surfer, or a funky dancer, or hardcore Star Wars fan. You are a passionate geek.
Third, you need to figure out how to present this passion to the people you meet.
Here’s a bad example: “I love playing the drums.”
Here’s a good example: “When I play the drums, it brings out something visceral in me. When I’m playing, seeing the band in front of me, and the crowd in front of them, that visual is amazing. I’m the only one that has it, because I’m in the back, so it’s unique. I can see how much fun my bandmates are having playing, and I can see how beautiful the crowd is, and the amazing experience we’re all sharing. And on top of that I know how much fun I’m having, it’s just a unique experience that I can’t get anywhere else.”
See how in the first example, no one gives a shit? But in the second example, you’re drawing a mental picture of what’s happening, and making the listener feel the same passion you have for your hobby?
That’s what you’re going for.
Fourth, and this is the most important one, ask her out on a date! I always say the same thing to the geeks I coach:
Stop trying to be friends with women you want to date. Date them instead.
In order to date her, you have to start by asking her out. Get her phone number, make plans, and go on a date.
Alright, I’m running out of space, but I hope you enjoyed this in-depth answer to a simple question. There’s a lot more to finding a girlfriend, like the best way to ask her for her number, or the most successful opening line you can use.
I cover them all in-depth in my dating course, Level Up Your Dating, so if you’re still struggling and want a sure-fire way to get yourself a girlfriend, take a look at the course and sign up.
Rami the Gutsy Geek
- Getting their Backstory – Getting to Know Someone Online - August 1, 2018
- Do Geeky Interests make you more Attractive? –Podcast 46 - April 23, 2018
- Why Nice Guys Suck (and how to be much less sucky) - March 29, 2018