The Swamp Thing movie may be cancelled, but that doesn’t stop other swampy things from having the potential to knock your confidence. The summer heat can cause a terrible case of swamp ass. Especially if you make less effort than the writers of the Swamp Thing cartoon theme tune.
“What’s swamp ass?” I hear the lucky ones cry.
Swamp ass. Sweaty butt. Wet crack.
Some people are sweaty. Some people get sweaty in the butt and groin area. When heat, and sweat, and humidity combine, swamp ass can cause a ridiculous amount of underpants wetness, leaving condensation on a hard plastic seat, and potentially even soaking through.
It’s a real confidence pounder to have to surreptitiously wipe the chair down, or slink off to the bathroom to wipe your bits, bobs, and passages down again, knowing you have to pull wet undies back up. Especially on a date or at a job interview!
At least butt sweat doesn’t tend to smell, the eccrine glands down there are responsible for all this excess ass moisture, which is supposed to help cool you down. We’re covered in them, they deliver water to the surface to evaporate and lower your body temperature. Unfortunately down there it’s warm and there’s not much air.
This is where great personal hygiene will stand you in good stead; wipe well, for if that stuff mixes with a poorly wiped butt then things will get nasty and duck butter is the outcome.
Sure, that’s all gross, but what can you actually do about Swamp Ass?
Start with a good wash. A proper wash. Not just a rinse, but get in all the nooks and crannies and get the dead cells, bacteria, sweat and stank off you. Clean your butthole properly; you don’t need to jam your finger all the way up there (unless you really want to) and don’t go filling your anus with soap that might irritate it, but do give it a good wash.
Dry it all well. Starting off damp is only going to start you off with moisture down there, so get the towel up and make sure it’s all as dry as you can get it.
3. PREPARE THE AREA
Prepare the area with the first line of defence to help prevent the sweaty onslaught!
There are a few options to consider here that might help your nether region remain dry. Ladies should probably avoid talcum powder as there is a chance it could increase the risk of ovarian cancer, and while the research is inconclusive, let’s not take the risk.
You could try a cornstarch-based powder or one of many powders and ointments on the market including:
Below the Belt Fresh & Dry Balls is a gel, so eliminates the mess of getting powder everywhere. It comes in two fragrances, a cool one and a sporty one – you can probably imagine them. Dries really quickly to a silky finish.
Jack Black Dry Down Friction Free is a powder made from cornstarch, lavender, and green tea. It has a pretty classic men’s grooming smell to it, like an old school barbershop. Does a good job.
Chassis Premium Body Powder comes in at a premium price but wow, this stuff does a great job of keeping everything dry down there. It has a fairly generic, but not unpleasant, sporty smell to it.
Pants. The second line of defence. The marshland surrounding the swamp. You’d think baggy, but no! Tight and breathable, with a moisture-wicking material is your friend. This’ll take the sweat away from down there so it can evaporate more easily, stopping the dreaded swamp from developing.
Wipe well after you poop. This will be controversial to some but stay sat down when you wipe. Half our readers are surprised there’s another way to do it, but some people stand up to wipe; sorry but you’ve got to relearn as this way causes more problems, pushing your buttcheeks together and preventing a good clean.
Go easy though, don’t be rough with your poor bum. A moist wipe will do the trick but don’t go contributing to fatbergs.
Making sure you’re properly clean helps prevent any unpleasant odours from developing, as the sweat and butt together can create unnecessary nastiness.
6. CAFFEINE AND DRINKS
Sorry coffee fans. Caffeine makes you sweat more. The same goes for any caffeinated beverage so tea, Coke, Red Bull, Monster… it’s time to cut back. You do need to stay hydrated in the heat, especially if you’re creating your own ecosystems out of sweat, so drink plenty of water.
There’s no shame in keeping a spare pair of undies in your desk at the office and it’ll stop nosy people from snooping around when you’re not there. Who knows when you’ll need a fresh pair? Good advice for anyone!
8. EXTREME MEASURES
Botox. Botox stops sweat and while you may not like the thought of botulism being injected into your bum, botox may be able to help control the sweat. This is an extreme measure indeed, and may not even work, but if you have the cash and adventurous spirit, go get needled down below (and tell us how you got on).
WHAT NOT TO DO
Don’t stick underarm antiperspirant or deodorant down there. It’s not supposed to go down there. There’s a lot of sensitive skin, it might find its way into your insides, and could cause some unpleasant reactions.
Don’t wear skinny jeans or leather/PVC trousers. You want as much air as possible getting down there to help it stay cool and dry. Keep your polyester away and if you can wear a cotton or linen trouser or shorts even better.
Don’t panic. Everybody sweats, some of us are just blessed with the highly useful superpower to moisten an underpant at a faster rate than others.
If you do soak through, don’t worry – we all sweat. With these tips you can prepare for, prevent, and handle a swamp ass emergency with style and elegance.
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