Bad dates make the best stories…Oct 16, 2018
Quick Tips. Top foods to avoid a bad dates
– Burritos or Mexican – You may both like spice but sweat and nasal leakage does not make for a sexy time.
– Olives – Sure, they can be flirty and show off some tongue skill but then you have half chewed stones on the table for longer than you want.
– Soup – Unless neither of you have teeth.
Hi, I’m Jon Schreyers. I’m an introvert with hit or miss social skills, a huge nose and a weirdly deep voice… but I didn’t always used to be THIS cool.
That’s me at 18. I know what you’re thinking… “Where are his fucking teeth?”
Not the greatest photo, but I did and do have teeth. That’s me in Bournemouth in my second bar job. I moved there from Reading where I had my first bar job.
I had all the most charming qualities that the ladies love. Unique hygiene, unique dress sense (Fleeces will come back in style one day, along with dragon embroidered shirts), social awkwardness (I once started choking at a friends house at dinner because I thought way to hard about “what would happen if I just forgot to eat properly? How embarrassing”)
All these things were the reason I got into bar work. It’s where people are actually social, that’s what I want to be, so that is where I need to be.
This is me now at 37. As you can see… things have progressed. My ears are still growing at a much faster rate than my head though.
The bar work really helped, but I am now a struggling entrepreneur that travels the globe from bargain living destination to the next. I work in co-working offices where I meet cool and new people every week!
I’m now seeing a very friendly Bulgarian lady and I’m very content with how I am. I’m not some charming guy who’s always cock of the walk though. I’ve learned to embrace the weirdness.
But what happened in between? Weirdness. Lots and lots of weirdness. The bad dates, and the good stories.
Bad Date Exhibit 1: The one where my legs disappeared.
Back at my first bar job, at the Litten Tree in Reading, I was working a split shift. This meant I had hours to spare in between. Normally this was spent walking around the town center, nipping into Virgin Megastore and listening to CDs. Alone.
Not today though.
My manager Claire and a new girl Chloe (I think?) we’re also doing the same shifts. I’d only really just started there myself and Claire normally spent her breaks with her BF Chris, another manager.
I can’t remember the specifics but we all ended up going to another pub for some pool and drinks.
Now, remember the picture of me from before? Right, imagine that with 2 of the hottest girls you’ve ever seen.
Relaxed, I was not. I fancied Chloe, obviously as she was female and a female that spoke to me. Two of my favourite things.
My socially awkward brain and I had a quick conversation and decided that playing it cool / mysteriously aloof was our best bet. Less words, rely on looks. Brilliant work Jon.
Bad date: What happened instead was, I got drunk.
I ordered beers while they were on the lemonade, I didn’t eat anything as that wasn’t a thing I could do with strangers yet. My 18 year old tolerance level was low to say the least. I could have gotten drunk smelling an alcoholic’s fart.
2 hours went on, I stayed mainly silent apart from the odd out of place joke and saying “Excuse me, sorry, I knocked the white off the table again”, to strangers in the pub.
Now, time to get back to work. So, we finish our game, I downed drink I had to maintain 100% masculinity, and we step outside. The two ladies in front and me a step behind.
As the fresh air hits me, my legs decide to stop working and disappear. Not all of the leg, just the calves. This sends my knees crashing down onto the concrete tiled staircase from the pub to the pavement.
The pain was so bad, I can still feel it now. The sound was even worse!
So, trying to save face and cover the fact that I had failed stairs, I jump back up. They span round to look for the source of the sound, along with everyone in a 20 foot radius, to which they all see me.
“What was THAT??”
“Yeah weird, I heard it too. Strange” – I reply, screaming internally.
Pretty sure I got away with it…
So, what did I learn from this date?
Eat. It’s ok to not drink. Admit it when your legs give way. I wish I would have had the courage to laugh at myself at the time, but I didn’t.
Bodies are weird, embrace it 🙂
I keep living, I fail at more stuff and I go on actual dates that are weird. I won’t go into all them in detail, but here is a summary of my bad dates:
– I couldn’t stop letting out silent burps when I was kissing a girl.
– I had a nose bleed halfway through a date. Could have just said “Oh, I have a nose bleed” but instead kept sniffing and sniffing and sniffing until i managed to find a toilet, which is where I spent the next 15 mins. That is a very long urination.
– One girl I met spoke really, really quietly and wouldn’t look at me when asking questions. I spent the whole time very confused. The date location also went from bar, to coffee shop, to park bench. I thought I was going to mugged.
– Nerves make me poop. One time I had to go 6 times during the evening.
– I managed to ignore my way out of blatant date opportunities where the girl had made it clear she was interested.
– I followed a girl to Ibiza once thinking I was going to have this amazing romance. By “follow”, I mean I went first on the promise she was going to meet me there a few days later. She delayed her flight by a week, I couldn’t find work so flew back. Found out she’d then flown over and had a fling with an 18 to 30’s rep.
– I was mates with a girl from work and fancied her but she had a BF. They eventually broke up, she came round for me to cheer her up, looking amazing. I totally missed that sign and answered the door, un-showered, in PJs and a shirt with food on it.
Even though these felt life-ending at the time, I love them ALL. I learned from each bad date, and if I didn’t, I wouldn’t I have a story to tell.
Tinder means you can go on more dates than you used to be able too, but I found some people still look at Tinder as a dating app and in turn have dating expectations. From what I’ve learnt, it’s best to approach it as just 2 people meeting.
No expectations. If you get on, cool, if not, just say so.
“Lovely to meet you, just didn’t feel a spark, sorry :)”
Honesty is so much easier than trying to people please. You feel better about yourself as you’re not worrying + the other person feels better as they know where they stand.
All my past tuition, lead me to…
Potentially the worst first bad date scenario imaginable.
This was in Perth, Australia a few years back. I had just gotten out of a long term relationship and had my first match on Tinder.
The text banter was good, so we locked in a date and location for our first meet.
If you are in Perth and happen to need a date location, check out Little Creatures Next Door. It’s a bit hidden, great ambiance and they do the perfect first date menu.
Anyway, date day comes which is a Tuesday (also a perfect first date day. No one has much on on Tuesday) and I get a text from her.
“Errm.. still keen to meet later, but I got my PHD results back today and I passed, so am officially a doctor!”
“Congrats! We need to celebrate!”
“Thanks! All good but it will mean there will be some of my mates there. That OK?”
“Umm yeah, I don’t mind if you don’t?”
“Ah cool! Will only be 1 or 2. See you later”
“Sweet! See you then”
Ok, so not the worst, but still more of a bad date than a great one.
The Night: It Wasn’t Such A Bad Date After All
I get the train down, we meet at the station, quick hello then walk to the bar.
When we walk in, she’s looking around to find her mate’s to see if they’re there..
“Fuck.” I hear her exhale.
“That’s them in the corner”
I look, and see a group of about 20 people. All looking at her, then to me. Expressions go from smiles to who the fuck is that?
So, we grab a drink at the bar and walk over. Everyone is congratulating her, obviously, while I internally prepare myself for the inevitable question “So, how do you know Sam?”
Old me would have panicked, thought of some funny anecdote of how I saved her from a shark once or some other shit joke.
But actually, the truth is much, much funnier.
So I get the question. Answer with “Tinder, this is the first time we’re meeting”
Everyone has a little laugh, then they ask “Isn’t this really awkward for you?”
“Completely,” I reply.
More laughs, then into normal conversation.
I had a great night. Met all of her mates, including the mayor of Fremantle and her professors (who I initially thought were her parents!)
The good thing was that we were both caught by surprise, so essentially both going through the same situation. We didn’t really get a chance to speak the whole night, but when we did the conversation was easy due to going through the same situation.
The friends finally started to leave, the night ended and we ended up walking back to the station together.
It was a great first date + a great story.
Bad dates: All part of growing up
No one is perfect from the get go. Everyone needs to fail. The ones that don’t aren’t living fully.
I started working in bars because I wanted to be a person that is comfortable in social situations. Hanging around the people I wanted to be like will mean that you pick up their traits and grow more into who you want to be.
You know how they say that dogs and their owners look more and more alike? It’s the same with humans.
Surround yourself with the type of people you want to be.
And go on bad dates.
Jon Shreyers – see it, pick it, launch it. Give your dating life a makeover, and treat your website to one, too.
Grab a free guide on how to grow your stream or podcast from scratch. Or perhaps a guide on creating your social media content?