10 Reasons Why Your Stupid New Years Resolutions WILL Fail (idiot)

2018. New Year. New You

And yet, you already know you’re doomed to failure don’t you?

Just like the 80% that fail by the second week of February.
You can already feel the excuses and the reasons, and the “I’ll do it tomorrows’ lined up to give you an easy out from the thing you committed to doing when you were excited.

How high a resolution do you have? OK Resolve but that makes my joke not work.

Let’s deal with this nonsense right here, right now.

 

OK WHY ARE YOU DOOOOOOOMED?

 

 

 

Enough doom? No?

What do you want? Doctor Doom? DOOM? Doom metal? Bucket of Doom? You have the internet, go and find it yourself so I can write this article.

 

1) YOU DIDN’T WRITE THEM DOWN

 

Did you? No. DO IT NOW. Write it down. Write them down. Stick it on a post it n your mirror. Write it in your journal. Post it in the CfG Facebook group.

Writing it down makes a commitment.

Don’t commit and you’ll have a milllllllllllliiiiion voices excuses. Sorry, I briefly embodied Youssou N’Dour in the 1994 hit ‘7 Seconds’ there.

 

 

2) YOU PICKED SOMETHING TOO BIG

 

FFS. WHY DID YOU GO WITH “GET MORE EXERCISE?”. It’s too big. Too vague. Build it up.

Walk for 20 minutes more a day. Lovely!

Use the stairs instead of the life/escalator/travelator. Excellent!

Go to the gym for an hour every day hrrrrrnnnnk

 

Too much.

If your resolution involves the creation of new habits you need to start small and build on them.

 

3) YOU HAVE LITERALLY NO SELF-DISCIPLINE

Why the hell do you think you’ll achieve something big if you can’t even resist that biscuit?

 

Work on your self-discipline first.

You don’t need motivation, you need self-discipline.

Try saying ‘no’. Or ‘yes’. This is very much dependent upon the circumstances.

 

Build it up. Learn what your triggers are for eating/drinking/smoking/inactivity/other thing and raise your own awareness.

I can’t touch a Mr. Kipling chocolate chip cake bar or I’ll eat everything in my house. Thank god they stopped making them.

 

4) YOU DO WHAT YOU THINK YOU SHOULD DO INSTEAD OF WHAT YOU WANT

Look; if you don’t actually want to stop being fat you won’t stop being fat. Do it for you. Find you reason why.

Maybe you want to live longer, not be out of breath when running upstairs, fit into those trousers you love, feel healthier, look hotter to certain people.

 

If you don’t dig deep for a great reason why, then YOU HAVE DOOMED YOURSELF.

 

DOOOOOOOMED.

Festive!

5) YOU HAVE PICKED ABOUT 100 THINGS

Too much. You’ve made it big haven’t you? Simplify, take it down, and choose one thing.

 

Just one.

Focus on that for now. You can work on more things later. Don’t be shackled to new year’s day.

 

6) YOU QUIT WHEN YOU FAIL

Which means you suck because failure is awesome! It’s the best feedback mechanism and tells you loads about what you were doing right and wrong for you.

 

Gamers, we don’t give up when we fail, we just hit continue. Sure. Maybe the pad gets hurled across the floor or a age quite takes place, but we come back, stronger, armed with more info. Apply that to life.

Be more childlike. I was shit at riding a bike. If I’d given up I’d never have cycled across Oxford Circus wondering if I was going to die and that my friends, was thrilling.

 

7) YOU DON’T REWARD YOURSELF PROPERLY

 

In a game you get something excellent when you level up. A sword, more strength, a fancy hat.

 

In life what do we do? Eat a massive cake with a bottle of sauv blanc because we went to the gym.

 

Do you see the incongruence here?

Reward yourself with something that aids your quest.

 

And if you get the reference I’m in lesbians with you a little bit. If you don’t then that may have confused you even more.

8) YOU DON’T HAVE ACCOUNTABILITY

Anyone can say they’re doing anything. Without someone holding you to it, why the hell would you bother?

Get some accountability, either in the CfG group, through a coach (doesn’t have to be me, though obviously I am pretty great), a friend, colleague, someone who asks you weekly – did you do X? And if not, why not?

I’ll write a guide for accountabilibuddies I guess.

 

9) YOU DON’T WANT TO DO THE HARD WORK

 

Tough tits my friend. Change can be hard. LIFE IS HARD sometimes. If you want results you have to do the work.

I’m sorry that magic isn’t real, and even if it was, have you seen how much wands cost in D&D? How much gold do you have?

Do the work, take action, roll with the punches, adapt, get results.

 

or don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t and don’t.

 

10) YOU DON’T ASK FOR HELP

 

Are you an actual idiot?

PEOPLE LOVE TO HELP PEOPLE

 

Partly because people are, on the whole, good. also partly because they get a hit of dopamine.

If you don’t ask for help you are literally denying them that hit of chemicals. You selfish prick.

 

Bonus point if you’ve dealt with 1-10

 

11) YOU’RE GRINDING CREEPS

Stop fannying around on the low-level crap and go fight something bigger! How else will you gain XP?

If the circumstances are right, it’s surprisingly easy to make changes.

 

Just pay heed to what I wrote up there ^

And go smash the heck out of 2018 you wonderful go-getter you!

 


Robin Bates – Should write when drunk more often


Starting at the start? Go and watch this video about what they don’t tell beginners.

Do you even know what we do?

Want that accountability? Get joining the CfG Facebook group.

 

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